Category Archives: Relationships

The Perfect Date

Dating: an event which can even make a very confident person to lose his cool and act like a school kid. What to say, when to speak and when to just shut up and listen, where to go for the date, how to make it exciting and adventurous, how to impress the other, what to wear and many other similar questions haunts you at every hour of the day and by the time the blessed moment arrives you’re totally nervous.  Does the situation sound similar? Do all these remind you of your first date?

If yes and you have still got no answer to the million dollar question, “how to make your date a perfect one?”Let me tell you at the start there is no single set of rules which you need to follow to make your date a perfect one. The most important point to be kept in mind is that you should first get to know the other person, what does he/she likes, what is his idea of adventure, what is his idea of a perfect date, for someone it might be a candle light dinner in a posh restaurant but for some other it may be a pub or even an amusement park.

Respect the other’s wish and give it more importance than yours, it makes them feel special and lucky to have got a mate who is willing to sacrifice his preferences just for yours. You should choose a location very carefully, you need to make your date comfortable and the surroundings do play an important role.

Dress for the occasion: wearing shorts and a casual t-shirt for dinner in a restaurant is not a good idea, you might like those cool and comfortable shorts but keep in mind that you’re going out with a lady and should dress as per the occasion. Never make the other person feel embarrassed because of your poor dressing sense.

Always appear with a gift: you don’t need to buy an expensive one, just a bunch of flowers or some chocolates would do, but appearing with a small token of appreciation would surely earn you some brownie points.

Compliments and attention: Chris Rock, the famous comedian once said that any woman needs three things to survive oxygen, food and compliments. Well, this statement does has some truth. So make her feel comfortable and compliment her. Your compliments should never sound fake or too much stretced from the truth. Don’t just pay compliments like, you’re beautiful, tell her why is she so beautiful to you, tell her what do you specifically like about her but don’t overdo it, it may have the opposite effect. Every girl wants to feel special, tell her that she is different, try using adjectives like beautiful rather than hot or sexy.

As compliments are to girls similarly attention is to a guy. Listen to a guy, not just with your ears but with your expressions, your body language and actions. Be sympathetic.  Appreciate him for his efforts, say how much you liked it, and he would love it.

Talk a lot:  By talking a lot, I don’t mean mindless chatter or you telling your whole life history and the other one listening as if there is no other option. What I mean is be open, frank, don’t talk in monosyllables, try to include the other one. If your date is a bit shy and doesn’t speak much, start speaking and sharing, ask about his opinion so that he is bound to answer. Show interest and never be self absorbed.

Now you know, just put in that little extra and you can easily make your ordinary date an extraordinary one. The key is to make the other feel important and special. Let your special one know that you’re happy and there’s no place on earth you’d rather be than here.

Dating online? Exercise caution!

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A Heinlein
Who in this world doesn’t want to love ? Doesn’t want to find a life partner who will stay by his side through thick and thin, who doesn’t want a fairytale romance ? Many of you while reading these lines might be lost in the thoughts of your special someone. Lucky guys ! But many wouldn’t have ever experienced the flying butteflies a lover experiences.Yes life today is very busy, fast paced and many don’t even have time for their own selves. In such scenariois finding a person to date has become exceedingly cumbersome for many. In such cases online dating sites come to the rescue of many.

Online dating services generally require a prospective member to provide personal information, before they can search the service provider’s database for other individuals using criteria they set, such as age range, gender and location. Online dating sites use market metaphor to properly match people up.[1] Most sites allow members to upload photos of themselves and browse the photos of others. Sites may offer additional services, such as webcasts, online chat, telephone chat (VOIP), and message boards. Some sites provide free registration, but may offer services which require a monthly fee.
But is India ready for such a major change ? In a country in which prospective partners are usually found by parents , are these online dating sites a welcome change ? People resort to such sites either for casual fun ,testing the waters or perhaps looking for the love of their life. Many people claim to have met their soulmates on such sites but on the flipside many others also usually find creeps ! When this method of dating was originally started, there was an air of desperation around it. People used to associate it with those who could not find a relationship in “real life “. Though much of this perception still remains , the number of people to use these sites has without a doubt increased. But all this not without the numerous questions and doubts it poses.
Some points put forward by those who advocate this method of finding love as something that might become atleast not frowned upon of not conventional

 

  • You can find the person that you have dreamed about, since you can find out everything about them before you even decide to approach them.
  • Location is not an issue anymore.
  • You can get to know someone without the commitment of actually getting together.
  • You can get to chose people with whom you would like to meet by checking their interests and profiles
  • The awkwardness of the first date is eliminated because you have already interacted

But as the other side of the coin always exists , we also have certain issues raised by people who believe that online dating is just a short term solution which can never help you find true love .

  1. Premature frankness- when you meet a person online who seems who have a similar viewpoint on things as you do and the moment the interaction starts,you believe that you both clicked ! this leads you to be very open and frank very early in a relationship . You might have experienced that it is very easy to text a person stuff which would have required a lot of nerves on your part to say face to face. Such premature acquaintance increases your vulnerability especially considering that the person you are chatting with might turn out to be a fraud !
  2. Lies-white or malicious,lies are definitely not a base you would want your relationship to be based on.You never know whom you are talking to, what age they are , or what gender they are . What they portray in their profile might not be the actual them. Just because what you wrote in your profile was all truth, it doesn’t(and why should it ) guarantee that the person you are talking to is also speaking the truth and not inventing stuff from the figment of his/her imagination! And by the time you realize the actuality, it might be too late ! so be careful and think before you start imagining someone as your prince charming or princess of dreams .
  3.  Are they bragging? – well even if a person is trying to be honest on a site , it isn’t necessary that what they are telling you isn’t just their own perception of themselves rather then what he/she actually appears to people. And there is nothing you can do to guard against that . The profile might describe a girl as “vivacious, independent, open-minded” but might end up as an air-headed brat when you first meet her. People create multiple online personas as a means to satisfy their urge to be someone they always wanted to be.
  4. Dishonesty ! – It is very easy to conceal one’s marital status online and when you find out the truth ,you have been cheated through and through .Many married men thinking that they are having just harmless fun resort to such sites and results have proved to be disastrous for many a damsel .
  5. Undermining relationships with friends and family- In any offline relationship, friends and family play a very important role as a support and guidance source. And help one know about the direction a relationship is heading and if its working out or not. On any online relationship ,you are the person sole responsible for your actions.

Whether all these problems quoted above strike a chord with your or not, there is no denying the fact that online relationships are to be undertaken with all care and realizing that all that one might see , might not be the truth. But isn’t the current generation so addicted to experimenting ? :p So go ahead , meet people but with all due care and precaution!

The “not-so” hard long distance relationship

How many times have we heard from couples living away from each other that, “long distance relationships are haaaard”. Many a times we ourselves have passed the judgment saying, “these kind of relationships don’t work”… of course they dont, nothing works on its own ….you are supposed to make it work. We all know that much ….but long distance relationships are not always bad or hard, they do have their share of benefits and funnily enough they might even seem a better option. Here are some things you should definitely appreciate and take advantage of when in such a relationship.

Your space is still your own: Your personal space is like a bubble surrounding you and you are bound to feel uncomfortable if someone is constantly trying to get in. True, your partner has a right to intrude but think again do you want his/her’s permission before taking every decision, you might want his/her’s opinion but not permission. In a long distance relationship, your personal bubble is still intact, you have your own time, you can pursue any opportunity and can freely use all your time for your interests.

Gives you time to think :  A long distance relationship forces you to go slow in terms of physical intimacy and gives you time to think before you make major decisions. You have time to dwell on questions as to whether you really are ready for such commitment. Is he the right person? Is she worth the emotional pain and the long wait? Etc.

You can be filthy: This might sound funny but one of the biggest advantages you have is that you can be filthy. You can live without taking a bath for days, you don’t need to change your jeans every other day and you don’t have to go check your appearance every time you go out. In short, you can enjoy being untidy and messy without someone complaining, “Baby, why don’t you just go take a bath”

The joy of meeting: The anticipation, the excitement and finally the joy you feel when you see your sweetheart after such a long time. This feeling would never be known to the couples who live together and this is the very feeling which makes you sure about your choice and strengthens your bond.

Increases the value of a person : Spending time apart from someone shows you how much you really need them in your life.You talk more and kiss and cuddle less. At first, this might sound too bad but it might prove good in the long run. Since you communicate more you get to know the other person really well, you actually fall in love with his/her personality rather than appearance. Being away also increases the other’s value, haven’t we heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

No choice between friends and love : Majority of couples face this single problem, if your partner and you have different sets of friends the problem gets worsened, you can be trapped in situations when you have to choose among the two. But a long distance couple never faces this problem, when your boyfriend is in  town your friends will be extra understanding since they know you rarely get a chance to meet him, while he would also encourage you to hang out more with your friends as it would be helpful to cope with the emotional trauma you feel once he’s gone.

You can indulge freely in some casual flirting without bothering about the other’s jealousy : This is truly the good part , you can sometimes indulge yourself in casual and healthy flirting just for fun without bothering about the other’s jealousy. This doesn’t mean that you have to be unfaithful to your significant other but a little flirting won’t hurt anyone and may even brighten your mood.

Saves money : You can save a lot of petrol and your hard earned pocket money…..but this can go the other way also, if you decide to travel a lot to see your sweetheart or decide to talk or text every other minute.

So next time someone says, “long distance relationships doesn’t work or are very hard”……just remember there are many benefits distance has to offer, grab them and let your love travel the distance. After all, “distance does not ruin people’s relationship, you don’t have to see someone daily to be in love”.

 

 

Why fall in love with a geek!

Remember the days when geeks were considered to be lousy lovers? Back to the present, the scene has changed.

Strangely now, being a geek is the in thing. Forget all those romantic movies where a geek is made a sacrificial lamb. It’s no longer the case. Girls today consider geeks as cool and great lovers too.

Here are reasons why you must fall in love with a geek

A geek’s first priority is you: You mean the world to him and he will go out of his way to prove that. If a geek has to choose between hanging out with friends and spending time with you, he would definitely choose the latter. They are loyal and expect the same from you too. And if you happen to marry him, then you have found a great husband and a doting father for your kid.

Geeks are romantic: We live in a techno-age where guys find it better to send e-cards than spend on real cards or roses. While most men find it too silly to leave love notes, a geek actually loves to do this to make an impression and make you feel important. A geek will make every effort to profess his love for you in the most romantic ways.

Geeks are brainy: A geek is immensely talented and never gives up when it comes to learning a skill. In fact, he will be the trouble shooter should your computer breakdown. Geeks are great problem solvers.

Geeks can be fun to be with: A geek would rather prefer to spend time playing video games and surfing the internet than going out. So there’s no way you will get bored with him. He’ll keep you occupied with several interesting activities. What’s more? You can learn from him too, he will only be too glad to teach.

Geeks are genuine: The psychology of geek goes something like ‘I am lucky enough to have found a girl’ and thus he wouldn’t want to risk cheating on you for the fear of losing you. A geek believes in long term relationships.

Geeks are sensitive: They are so loving, courteous and broad minded people that they wouldn’t hurt you. A person with a big heart, they are sensitive to your emotions.

Geeks are self-confident: A geek might be naive, but never once does he display lack of confidence or determination. Even though they don’t care much about their looks, theirintellectual competence does bother them. Also, urban dictionary defines geeks as “people you pick on in high school and wind up working for as an adult.” Hence, if you are dating a geek, you know he was a good catch!

[This article was originally published at The Times of India by Reshmi AR]

Is Interpersonal communication necessary?

Every human needs to interact to each other and that needs some kind of skills for better conversation and to know the things in a better way. The necessity is of having the strong interpersonal skills. Interpersonal skills are defined as the communication between two individuals or in a group. It helps us in understanding that how and why people behave to each other in different ways so constructs and negotiate a social reality. Interpersonal communication comes from the different kind of backgrounds. The people talk in different ways because of their culture, their gender and how they learned to perceive the world.  Through engaging with each other, interpersonal communication skills help to get knowledge about other individual. Every culture is different in number of ways as well as in verbal or non-verbal languages and consequently cultural diversity can strain the organizational communication.

It is important to have discussion among the society and group of individuals to understand their feelings, emotions, and their culture because the society grow of and increase the relationship to each other because of the good interpersonal skills. Interpersonal communication skills not only help in the societies but also help for the organizations to understand their customers’ requirement and to know them better. It has been found in the organizations that if the employee of the company does not know about the diverse cultural background and don’t experience and understand the perspectives of his co-workers then the effective communication between the team is Jeopardized. Interpersonal communication skills differ at some levels such as while talking with the family members, while talking in the society, and while talking in the organization. For every aspects of life interpersonal skills are very important and this analysis below also describes the same with the example of an organization, and impacts of the interpersonal communication skills on the team members and overall to the organizations. The important aspects are to analyse the different culture and different languages in case of the interpersonal communication skills.

For interpersonal communication there have been a number of researches for its effectiveness and importance to the people, society and organizations. According to Beavin states in his research for a cultural diversity and interpersonal communication in Toronto’s major hotels, as language barriers made it very difficult to the hotel managers to understand the non-English employees and to give feedback to them so that they can improve their jobs and can understand the basic environment of the hotel. There have been few theories studied for the interpersonal communication skills such as assimilation theory, dichotomous theory, or discourse theory or analysis. According to discourse theory, it asks how certain sort of talk and writing can accomplish the particular goals such as exclusions, blaming and justifications.  Studying the language we talk about diversities in identities is important because as Parker points out that language is so much structured for the mirror power relations that often we can see no other way of being, and the ideology towards it become very difficult to speak both in and against it.

The anthropologist E.T Hall  also developed a theory for the interpersonal communication to understand the implications of culture. Hall stated about the two different aspects of the interpersonal communication as high context and low context. High contexts emphasized on the collaboration and personal relationships as important aspects of doing business but on the other hand the low context culture, explicit writing and  verbal messages that mostly happens in western countries like Unites States of America, Germany, Canada and Switzerland. Not only this there have been lot of research in this areas as according to Floyd and Kory that in organizations interpersonal communication is very important and it has been found that the big global organizations get issues if not properly cared about the interpersonal skills development and training.

According to Taya R,  there are some inherent dielectrics in interpersonal communication are the important key for the healthy conversations in the organizations and understanding among the people. He states that the human who are in relationship tries to find equilibrium among the people to balance their life with the interpersonal communication so that they can open to each other and understand to each other easily. If there is not much perfect communication between them it may lead to consequences. Therefore, all depends on the interpersonal communication skills.

Interpersonal communication is always necessary and important for any organization or in society.  For an example, in Information technology sector while moving from region in to another for the global expansion of business many organizations focuses on the information technology expertise and its future impacts but overlook for the team communication skills and interpersonal communication ability. It has been found that many IT professionals are good in their domain but are not good enough in the soft skills which lead to the problem to the organization at global scale because the team need to understand the diverse culture to make strong presence and to reach to the customers as well as to make relationship among different team members in the organization that they belong to the diverse culture and language too.  To sort out this issue, in the organization the executive member of the organization held a training session for the employees so that the interpersonal communication problem can be resolved and the environment and employees and customer relations can be made strong.

Interpersonal communication is the core requirement for the humans to get in touch with the other individuals and to know them better. It depends on the culture, family and the present environment around you. As based on the earlier research it has been found that the biggest problem for the big global organizations is of the team communication among them and because of that the organizations get in to trouble. The final conclusion is that interpersonal skills are always important in the human’s life forever because no one can live his life alone.

Cause-and-effect relationships in a personal, public, or campus

Relationships are the only thing people learn after birth because they have relationships of mother, father, brother, sister and friend soon once they know the world. So it can be said that relationships is not only the life of the people but also the way to move ahead in the life and to learn on the life new things. There are many kinds of relationships exists or happens during the whole life. Sometime relationships are good and sometime are bad. In personal life relationships are far important than the other public or campus life because if personal life get disturb because of the relationships you will not be able to grow or think about something else because without relationship you will feel your life like a living -dead human beings, who will live his life but not like a happy human as it should live. The effect of bad relationship is too bad as seen from the past happenings surrounding me. For example there was a family where the family head got relationship with other person and thus caused the divorce in the older family and because of that divorce the children and earlier wife suffered a lot, there situation became very bad, the children were unable to get food and education as it was earlier.

So all this happened because of the bad relationship among the husband and wife. Not only this the relationship with the other family persons are also important and to know their feeling and emotions so have long live relationships because everything depends on the relationship. The distance between the family and other loved ones increases because of the bad personal relationships. It affects the family and to the related person badly and effects the family and to the person too in number of ways such that the happy life ends, tension and stress comes to the way, life will be without aim and there will be nothing in life like before so there are many effects because of the bad relationships. The relationships in public are also important to live social life better. But still there are many causes by which the relationships creates issue in the human life, such as not interacting with the people, behave with them like nothing, don’t help others and don’t respect to the people outside the home or personal life. It causes effect such as people will not help you, they will not allow you to participate in ant events, will not allow you to go with them, you will not be able to live your social life perfectly. In the campus relationship too if you don’t have good relationships with your friend they will not help you in any ways. The causes of issue of relationships in campus include such as not helping to your friends, creating trouble for them, hating to them and not sharing your though with them, not respecting their feelings and emotions. This effects in many ways, as inside and outside the campus, you will not be able to live your life perfectly like as your friends, you can not go in groups, discussion etc.


Cupid goes to Geekville as techies search online for ‘true love’

Since 1951, the hallowed corridors of IIT Kharagpur (IIT-K) and its sister institutes across India, have produced a crop of the best brains in the country — with intelligence that can rival the Jobs and Gates of the world and armed with pay packages that can give our Jatt boyz a run for their dowry. But behind the success stories of these nerds, geeks and techies, have lingered dark secrets — of long days wasted caressing machines, of lonely nights spent recalling how a real-woman-without-myopia looked like, and of hours exhausted devising mathematical formulae on ‘how to make eye-contact with the cute girl who visits the grocery store?’

If popular stories emanating from some of the best educational institutes in India like the IITs, IIMs and NITs are anything to go by, it won’t be too hard to believe that the skewed boy-to-girl ratio in these institutions has led to many a Devdas-in-the-making. “Even with your high profile IIT degree and your sky-high value in the marriage market, you are still stuck with one of the few girls from IIT, who in no way can be a 10-pointer on looks. That is seriously unfair,” Deepjyoti Deka, a B-tech from IIT Guwahati, sighs.

But now, three IIT-K graduates have taken upon themselves the task of alleviating the dire straits of their forlorn mates. In January this year, 22-year-olds Layak Singh, Kinshuk Bairagi and Nikhil Kaushik launched a social dating website called DateIITians that encourages IITians (primarily, and also those from IIMs, NITs, med schools and other geek-producing institutes) to explore ‘meaningful relationship’ opportunities among, well, lesser mortals.

The website was conceived three years ago, when the trio, still in the second year of their engineering, opted for an internship with an education consultancy company in Kolkata. “While mentoring IIT and IIM aspirants on how to crack the entrances, we came across many interesting (and interested) girls who we otherwise had no chance of meeting,” says Singh. A vision dawned on them — of a world where geeks and nerds can mingle freely, without hesitation and sans prescribed scientific dos and don’ts, with people from the opposite sex. Thus was born DateIITians.

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Three 22-year olds have launched a dating website called DateIITians that encourages IITians (primarily, and also med schools and other geek-producing institutes) to explore ‘meaningful relationship’ opportunities among, well, lesser mortals.

After a registration process, followed by a three-step verification to limit fake profiles, a member can get access to network among peers, flirt with interested candidates, develop a crush and make a proposal. “Requests have to be sent on each step. A buddy request can be followed by a flirt request which can be a personal message or a gift,” Singh says. Gifts can be bought on the site itself through e-commerce and when flirting takes you to the stage where your heart starts fluttering, you can then send a crush request and take it further with a proposal. Singh says, “We are very strict about the content and hence filter all slangs and lewd comments by tracking messages with key-words.”

The website is currently in its alpha stage and new features are being planned for updates, including a 3D chat. “For a guy in a place like Kharagpur, to take a beautiful girl out on a date would mean travelling three hours to Kolkata,” Singh laughs. “So with 3D chat, people will have the option to go on virtual dates.” This means your online avatar can take your partner’s avatar to a cafe, watch a movie or play a game and if, science allows, part with a goodnight kiss.

DateIITians has drawn over 7,000 members in just over four months and has seen 1,100 flirt requests. But not every geek is excited about it. Bhargav, an MBA from XLRI says bitterly, “Sites like this won’t help. Women only like to live off us. Since, most of us are not well versed with the game of love, women leave us after they are done decorating themselves with our pay-cheques.” Deka has a simpler solution for it all, “Who needs a dating site? Take the help of your shining resume and the rich uncle in Bhatinda to find a girl along with some crores.”

This article was originally posted on http://www.sunday-guardian.com by SATARUPA PAUL  20th May

Human sexuality – the way of life !

While creating the humans nature has provided them with different characteristics and behaviour so that they can observe and feel the natural environment accordingly. The more specific creation of the nature is men and women, both are humans with specific characters and organisms which makes them sensible and to understand feelings of others. Both have natural attraction to each other because both have their necessities with each other. Men is only complete with women and women with men, single person without attracting to each other is incomplete. Even though some of them attract to the same sex because of the environment they have and their physical and mental characteristics. Human sexuality in men and women make them to attract to each other. This is defined as the ability of expressing erotic responses and erotic characteristics. There are some people in the world that attracts to the same sex means homosexual or some attract to the opposite sex it means heterosexual.

You can see good example of human sexuality around you as when teens cross age of 14 or 16 they naturally start attracting towards the opposite sex person either men to women or women to men. It may be for both sides. For example,  boy being attractive towards a girls but she did not like her and tried to avoid from him. So this is the case when you are attracting to someone but that person is not interested to you. In this age or earlier the parents need to explain to the children about the human sexuality and its effects and benefits. This will help them to understand the human sexuality and then they will be stopped to doing any wrong step towards human sexuality. At this age in the children, to know all things comes as the big problem and if they don’t find the right answer they move from here to there. They can also turn to the wrong path in absence of the correct knowledge.

Now days as observing the requirement of this, in many schools, colleges and in universities the courses related to human sexuality has been started so that the student can learn or have the right knowledge about the human sexuality or even can ask his/her doubts.  Generally it has been found from the earlier researches that the human sexuality is basically a genetics characteristics and it determines by the environment also. For better understanding of the human sexuality it has to be study the research and theory given by Mr. Sigmund Freud. But for learning or understanding the human sexuality , there is need of the huge complex literature or earlier research but as seen it comes by the age naturally as it is natural process that by age you will learn. As same case my parents didn’t teach me anything about the human sexuality.

When a boy or men attract to the girl or women then it is called as human sexuality because the men seek hi necessities in to the women and women in to the men. Certain characteristics are believed to be innate in humans, although they may be modified by interactions with the physical and social environment. Suppose you live in the forest, then there will be some animal characteristics inside you because environmental and behaviour around you also affects the human sexuality. After some time you might see yourself to love with animals because you live there and you learnt their characteristics. According to British philosopher John Locke, there is no innate difference between the human but they are always shaped because of the social environment present there. The human sexuality is also affected by the education that the human have. For example, in western countries where there is open education for sexuality and related things, the people who live or educate there know about it in more details and they can discuss in open eve their parents also teach them the same but in eastern countries like India, Pakistan, this kind of education is not available or not allowed so the people live here don’t talk much about the human sexuality and they have lack of knowledge of sexuality.

Human sexuality is the natural activity that comes in to the human naturally, but yes this is also affected by the society, culture, environment and education.

Who Wants To Date An IIT Boy?

MAY 17, 2012 9:02 AM BY FIRST POST

Back in 2008, Rashmi Bansal posed a tongue-in-cheek question on her blog: “Are IITians really inhabiting Girlfriendville right now, or only in their imagination?” The responses were more earnest, offering a variety of reasons why the once-disdained nerd was now A-grade boyfriend material.

“IITians are the best gals can EVER get,” wrote one avid fan, “Be it money,looks,intelligence or anything !!! And There’s nothing wrong in a gal being attracted towards such a ‘divine’ species.”

Divine indeed! Thanks to the combined efforts of Chetan Bhagat and Aamir Khan, surely Indian girls have finally been convinced that the average IIT-ian is—as another commenter put it—a “heroic combination of Peter Parker (the quintessential geek), Bruce Wayne (shits money) and The Incredible Hulk (‘Amma says make him angry just before bedtime’).”

Flash forward four years, and voila! We have DateIITians.com, a new social dating website premised on this much-vaunted desirability of the IIT/IIM suitor. “Many Girls think that they must have IITians, IIMites, Businessman, Industrialists as their life partner and they want to meet them where they get the chance, isn’t true? I think so it is true,” declares its founder Layak Singh, an IIT-Kharagpur grad.

True it may well be in a country infatuated with all things IIT—be it degrees, husbands, or sperm.

And yet…why then does the site that sells itself as “a new world of social dating” appear to be marketed by and for the boys.

The home page, for instance, is littered with photos of pretty young things—and many look like stock photos of models as opposed to real members. Some have been posed with flirty little lines, as in “Will you be my date?” and “What’s up buddy?” My favourite is a screen with photos of three girls with the caption, ‘Meet your soulmate’, and accompanied by this mysterious bit of insight: “You may admire a curvy girl on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up some new angles.”

No less mystifying is the ‘About’ section which claims that DateIITians is “based on the philosophy of a beautiful relationship which begins with buddy-ship (friendship) and results in developing and maintaining a meaningful relation, of course with the modern world definitions”. But right after comes an inadvertent confession: “It is an endeavour to make it easier for the geeks out there in finding their perfect life partner.”

More demoralising—to any IIT guy—is the media coverage which reaffirms the age-old stereotype of the desperate dude:
So you are stuck attending your mechanical engineering lectures for the better half of the day and the girls in your class are more interested in quantum physics than you. You need to brush up on your pick-up lines and you are tired of hugging your pillow. If you ended up nodding in agreement while empathising with the situation, then dateIITians might be the brainchild that will rescue your love life from doom.

And then there is this damning (and charmingly self-deprecating) quote from Rachit Gupta, general secretary of the student council affairs at IIT Delhi: “I’m interested in it ’coz yahaan par IIT/IIM se baahar ki ladkiyaan bhi toh aa sakti hain, like those who’re interested in dating an engineer. Otherwise, in our normal life, people have this sad image of us, ki IIT ke ladkey super-geeks aur gadhey hote hain…only hooked on books. If this portal helps us shed that image, it would be great.”

Three years after Aamir Khan immortalised the sexy geek on the silver screen, a great number of IIT boys seem to be still desperately seeking the ladies. And it speaks volumes about how little has changed for a certain kind of Indian male in new India—the kind primed from day one to focus on academics to the exclusion of all else.

“The academic slog for them is long and disproportionate,” says ‘Malini’, a friend who dated a “perfectly nice” IIT guy. The result, she says, is a type of arrested development which expresses itself as a lingering discomfort in the company of the opposite sex. The lack of experience or “socialisation” with girls is exacerbated when they hit college. The IIT-bound boy remains—in the midst of changing sexual and social mores—mostly chained to his textbooks, only to end up in college campuses where women are a tiny minority.

A minority that is often disdained. “They call them ‘non-boys’,” she says, “They talk about them in a certain way, don’t treat them as equals.”

The greatest resistance to the site comes from men unwilling to date IIT girls, like ‘Dheeraj’, who says: “I’d rather not look for an IITian to date; she can be boring and unbearably geeky. Look, most of my friends in IIT have girlfriends from Delhi University, who are not into professional courses at all. That’s how the preferences vary.”

Okay, so IIT boys think their “unbearable” geekiness is no bar to their desirability, but is a big turn-off when it comes to their female peers? The double-standard aside, that kind of attitude is hardly going to endear any man, IIT or otherwise, to a woman.

The problem is not that these IIT boys don’t have girlfriends, but that they lack experience with girls as friends. This is why DatingIITians often reads like a socialisation manual: “Moreover, everybody knows that good relationships begin with friendship only, so when you first become friends and then gradually start liking each other, then only you can say that your relationship is developing and getting meaningful.”

And it also explains why its creators—two of whom are IIT students—offer these arrows to shoot at a romantic target: “I give my smile to everyone. But I think, to you, I give my heart”; “You are the first person who has been able to make my heart beat slower and faster at the same time”; “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by again?”

Modern relationships between men and women are based on an ease and familiarity with the opposite sex. We no longer view each other as an alien species, to be courted with trite pickup lines, or appeased by giggling at the right moments. Perhaps this is why Malini argues IIT grads truly come into their own after they leave the monk-like confines of campus, after they’ve gone abroad for graduate school, worked in different environments, and grown more comfortable in their own skin.

“At 35, he is much more well rounded, where his geekiness is just one part of his life,” she says. Her message: date IITians, later.

This story by Lakshmi Chaudhry was originally published on Firstpost.com.

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‘He said he’d stopped having feelings for men’

Sarah Johns’ dream boyfriend gave every impression of being up for marriage, but his diary told a very different story …

I was 19 years old when my boyfriend proposed marriage and told me he was gay in the same breath. It was a beautiful day and Oliver had taken me sightseeing on one of his rare days off from his work as a lawyer. We were walking in Central Park in New York enjoying the sunshine, holding hands. A ring flashed in the sunlight. ‘Marry me,’ he said. I almost whooped with joy.

Oliver was everything I’d ever imagined I wanted in a man, and a lawyer! I was so carried away that I almost didn’t hear him talking. Almost. ‘You’re the only woman I’ve ever thought of that way,’ he said. As he pushed the ring on to my finger he smiled at me.

‘I used to think I might be gay. But I can stop.’ He went on to tell me that he’d had relationships with men, but that he’d never cheat on me, with anyone. He said he’d stopped having feelings for men. My 19-year-old self believed that was possible. I pushed all the fears into my stomach and locked them there.

We had met the year previously when I was 18 and had just started at university. I fell in love with him almost immediately. He became my boyfriend and my best friend and we quickly began spending all our time together. When Oliver was offered a job in New York I didn’t want him to leave. I begged him to look for something closer to home but he had a better idea.

When I returned from a class he was waving an American flag. ‘Come with me,’ he said. I didn’t think about my career, or the course I’d just started that I’d worked so hard for. I didn’t consider for a minute that things wouldn’t work out. I left my university, friends, family. I would have followed him anywhere.

In the weeks after Oliver proposed I walked around New York and all I could think about was being his wife. I looked at my flashy ring all day and he showed me off at parties and dinners, but he seemed distant. We didn’t mention what he had told me. I didn’t once ask him about it, as if I could ignore it away.

But Oliver stayed out late and didn’t answer his phone. He slept on the sofa. I told myself that he was busy at work, but when he stayed out all night, I began to worry. Could he be having an affair?

I searched his apartment and there it was in his top drawer, not well hidden at all, as if he almost wanted me to find it. His journal. As I opened the pages my stomach churned. Page after page described Oliver sleeping with men – strangers.

He’d meet them in clubs, parks, anywhere. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Then I noticed the dates. It had all happened since I’d been staying with him. In the last few weeks! And worse. He wrote about how he hadn’t used any protection.

I left New York without waiting for Oliver to explain. There was no explanation. He had cheated on me, but I was angry with myself. How could I be so stupid? It was New York and it was the 1990s, and he was having sex with strangers without using condoms. I was convinced that he’d given me HIV or another infection.

Going for an HIV test was one of the scariest times of my life. It was negative. I managed to get back into university. My friends were still my friends. I was very lucky. But I didn’t feel lucky. Despite everything I missed Oliver desperately.

Over the years I’ve realised that I was the one in denial. I wanted something so badly that I glossed over the fact that Oliver was gay. I’ll never understand why he felt that he had to pretend; I’m just glad I found his journal that day.

Now happily in a committed relationship, I’m no longer a silly girl who thinks being a lawyer’s wife will bring me happiness no matter what. There is no flashy ring. I have my own career. We have to work at our relationship and value trust above all things. As much as my heart was broken, it mended and grew stronger and much, much healthier.

I never heard from Oliver again and I never tried to contact him. I’ve made many mistakes over the years, but marrying Oliver would have been the biggest mistake of all, for both of us.

[Source: Telegraph.co.uk]